Ode to Asmodeus

Ode to Asmodeus

Oh how I want
to watch
the water snake
in the valley;
creeping between
Alpine mounds
brown as Santos mahogany,
bending to the curve of
earth;
quaking,
quivering,
breathing a sigh,
beading to the rhythm of my pace.
Joined union it was,
I melted into Her,
She + I --> We,
and We melted together
as i traveled
along paths,
no maps needed.
different means of transportation
necessary.
Tramping among the Mothers of Earth, indeed.


Oh how i miss the warm earth
covering my ears!
Affirming cries
of wanton
heard just above
the well just
in between the
delicate folds of the earth.
Oh how i miss
soft beating,
onomatopoeia
of emotions coming from
within.
Different lands emit
a different song,
some Sirens,
some Banshee.

Oh how I lived to draw
from a well,
taste of elemental
sin, sweet phermonic
narcotic of a chronic
nature; even
new wells presented a
glory, the mystery of
parting the doors,
ringing a bell,
solving mechanical
puzzles and labyrinths only
to have sustenance flow free
to me;
a glutton you made me
Asmodeus.

You drew me with
every intent i'd
withdraw,
drawing up Spirit,
no more nectar,
only Living Water--
an acquired taste, you
damned Asmodeus.
You caused the Living Water
to be bitter to my taste,
damned one,
ruler on the earth
for which i
dwelled helplessly,
looking for my opiate
of men.
Little do you know,
Asmodeus,
this Pool i draw from
is like Liquid Multivitamin,
healing me.
And I miss you.
But no longer can i want you
within me again,
you damned one.
So be gone! Bounce off my armor!

Yeah...

I may just go ahead and delete MOST of what i posted here. Part of me doesn't want to, mainly because what is here is my past, and it has shaped me into what i am now...

But sometimes it is best to close doors, brick them up, and punish them for making me into the person I WAS.

I'm just confused about that.

If you don't see things here, it's because it's been deleted. Period. I can't send it to anyone either... if it's gone from here, it is just GONE.

Change is good. Radical change is (r)evolutionary. This can either backfire, or work in such a way that when I look back on myself 5 years from now I will be SO PROUD of myself for doing the right thing.
Fortunately, I have help in doing the latter. That's why I have a list of people i have to thank.

Now for my list of thank you's.
Thank You... my Lord, for loving me despite myself, and for giving me the chance to come to You. You always knew, yet, You made me BELIEVE i had a choice in the matter... i never stood a chance lol. I knew You paid the ultimate price for me, and yet, i still did not do what You ask of me. For that You know i apologize. i love You, Lord. Thank You for your mercy and grace, and i know that from now on i will follow Your word and consider You my Ultimate Dominant. You are the Universe. The end.
Thank you... my bestie, for having all the faith in me, when no one else had faith in me. You were always there with an open mind and heart. I could confide in you everything. You never stopped having hoping that i would come to my senses, and do exactly what i needed to do. You understood that i needed to get tired of my lifestyle, even when i was feeling good in it. And i did. The tears in your eyes for me took three long years. but i got rid of the demons living within me.
Thank you... my Mother, for being practical. I really thank you for being logical. When i become swamped with worry, you always have that level head. You're my Telemakhos, love. I love you so much Ma, that I don't even think saying that will suffice how much I do.
Thank you... friends in Christ, for educating me. For helping me to see the Way, and to want it for myself. I see how God works in your lives. I see how blessed you've become. I hear of how you were B.C and to see you A.D is just wonderful. You all were lights, and you all shined brightly. LOL such peculiar people you guys are. Thank you, and i love you all.
Thank you... friends, for loving me and accepting me, no matter what way i am. Way of the world, or following the Way, most of y'all have been very supportive of me and my choice. I also thank y'all for respecting my newfound lifestyle, but please do not forget that i am still Cierra. i am STILL Cece, and even though i may be a certain way, it doesn't mean that i will sit on a pedestal and judge you. Y'all know i ain't like that. Right now, i'm just elated, and i hope that it doesn't feel as if i am trying to impose my beliefs on you. If so, please check me. Just know that if you are curious, i will try my best to point you in the direction of a Bible, or to show you how the Lord has worked on me. I love all of you.
Thank you... Sir, you have sat down and watched me grow. Never once did you interfere with my growing process, you ALWAYS made sure i saw and learned for myself. It's easy to sit down at a lecture, it takes power to study and grow on your own. I am glad you were there to supplement me... you gave me information when needed, and you were there to reaffirm the fact that yes, i am INDEED growing. Thank you, Sir.

And I am sorry... anyone who had fallen for the demon in me. I am so sorry, it may be a radical change, but be assured that this was for everyone's benefit. I do not want to be responsible for the Spiritual Death of anyone else but myself, nor do I want anyone to be responsible for my Spiritual Death. When your soul cannot enjoy the Eternal life that is in heaven, you will surely perish and be condemned to a state of eternal suffering. Who really wants that? I did not want that demon speaking through me anymore, marking others' souls with tokens of sin, evoking lust, envy, lies, adultery, bisexuality, and the like. I sincerely apologize to those people. I could not help the manipulative and devilishly creative soul that was dwelling inside of me. I apologize for having you joined me in sin.

I think that's all.
Cierra.
7:36 pm

Harakiri

Harakiri


I would not wish
your belly to feel the scimitar
pierce through my chainmail,
love.
Stand behind me and
I will kill us,
mercifully,
honorably,
as a battle was painfully lost...
again.
Allow me to end it once
and for all, and all for
once it ends, a sinful
reign of fiery lust.
No one wants to see death,
so stand behind me, allow me to see
the reality of
our tragic flaws reflecting in the
silver of the scimitar.

More romantic it seems,
that i may kiss you
with my poisoned lips, and have
you die in my arms, watching
the end of an era become
glazed and dazed, before
wiping your tears of confusion and closing
your empty windows.
But i cannot watch you die,
love,
this was a battle
for crude,
the black gold i found within you.
Hold me close,
Rest your head on my shoulder,
I want to feel you at my back as
we keel over in the pool
of our own blood,
hot as the
eternal suffering
we will endure
if I didn't kill us.

So be glad
that you cannot feel me
love.
Be grateful
that we are not one
love.
Appreciate my love for you,
and allow me to drive this sword through us.

Biting tongues...

the taste of elements.
i shudder at the tingle of
crimson, iron-laden
lifewater that seeps
slowly out the strong
impressions my teeth made;
pressure cracks
of forced reluctance,
keeping Broca* from
forming the words
my mind urges me to say.
I punish the facilitator of my language
because it needs not always to
follow my brain's will.
I punish my mind because of the pain
these words may cause, the stinging of
those words relayed to the
origin by biting my tongue,
therefore, internalizing the verbal pain
that sometimes i WISH i can
inflict on their targets.
so, i have to feel the sharp stabbing,
forever display the marks of a potential sin lost
in transmission,
and
create a lie in order to not slay you
with my tongue.
even one LITTLE word...
and you wouldn't survive this Gatling attack.
Sin still wins, yet
you advance on.
i care WAY too much.


*Broca's area, which is a specific area of the brain that aids in speech production.

14 and... 41. lol.

Yeah, so... the last couple months have been rough on a sister. Grandmother battling breast cancer (AND WINNING, thank GOD), my dog having to be euthanized, preparing myself for the rest of my life, trying to stand on my own two feet financially so in the future I can walk alone, NO crutches, no wheelchairs, no aids to get me to my destination of stability, financial happiness, and contentment. Oh, and the rearranging of social things in my life.

With that being said, Grandma is good. She's not excited about the treatment making her hair fall out now, but, at least the lymph nodes and the area that had swelled has gone down DRAMATICALLY. I'm very proud of her. She's even abiding by us?!?! Drinking more water, less diet sodas (they have aspartame in them), taking vitamins, getting a bit of exercise, and eating healthier choices to fuel her body. I'm VERY happy. As far as the hair falling out, I guess we both gonna be rocking cesars for the next few months :).

Now on to the next topic. My dog of 11 years, Sable, a lab-chow mix of a several races, so much like the modern human, fell ill about a week or so ago. His hair was lightening and falling out, he couldn't chew, and he barely ate. He wagged his tail when he saw one of us, but other than that, he was NOT the dog I knew him to be. I knew something was wrong, and so did my Mom. Upon further investigation and deliberation, we came to the conclusion that he is either getting weaker from old age, or, he is in the beginning stages of rabies, but that doesn't seem right because he has been vaccinated. Either way, he was suffering, so, we decided that he be taken away. The same dog who was always active, even in his older years, just all of a sudden became this sluggish dog. I think we made the right choice. Something WASN'T right at all. It saddens me, and the thought of going to feed him still pops in my head from time to time, I gotta keep reminding myself, he's not out there anymore. *sigh*

Searching for a good graduate school has been easier than I thought. I found the perfect school to attend. It's close and still a bit of distance from home, the residential area is affordable, and it is accredited for the MSW (Master of Social Work) degree. I am certain about successfully obtaining this degree, and I am MORE than happy about eventually using this degree. I'm also happy about my new second language, American Sign Language *big smile*. Either way, this year is gonna be the defining year. If I do everything right this year, I have nothing to worry about. I just have to stick to my guns, and if I have anything to rely on, it's sticking to my guns. lol. I like guns.

Last but definitely not the least important is, the happenings in my social life. Eh, social life when I'm at home is BARELY visible. Especially being without a job this summer. I make friends easily, it's just I have none to MAKE this summer lol. I don't volunteer anymore, and even WHERE I volunteered it was elderly, and younger teens. Great acquaintances and life lessons, but, not friends to hang out with. So, other than handing out loaves and fishes, #missionfail. lol. School, for me, is wonderful. Not JUST because I'm close to all the friends I'm close to, but because it's much easier to hang out and make new friends, because people are always in close proximity. When I am here in Charlotte, my friends are scattered about. My friends in Charlotte are either: working all the time, MARRIED, got children and a baby parent, in class, or a combo of all four lol. So, when we DO hang out, it is few and far in between, and usually, we spend HOURS together. Usually into the wee hours of the morning. Good, yes? Umm... not when you have a curfew like I do... AT HOME. 2am. Found out last weekend, when I came home at 4am. Yeah. It's time for me to leave this nest. I'm almost 22, with a damn CURFEW? How about THIS is my curfew: coming in as quiet as possible so i won't disrupt my Old Man and Old Lady. That's a curfew that I can live with. It's not even a safety issue. I always got a taser on deck. LMAO. But yeah, my social life includes my love life. I suck at flowing transitions, get over it. It's not an essay.

I have hit a kinda dry spell lately. I've been going to and fro, I found someone I liked.... turned my knob til it was stuck on stupid... and lost all my usual ways and became this animal that took my beautiful, lovely heart out of its black box and just threw it. LOL throwing objects at people is never really well received. Oh well. Just time to move on to the next, as I typically do in these situations with ease. I have learned not to throw my heart at people. LOL, cause it hurts. Call me flighty, call me an existential coo-coo bird that doesn't go nuts for Cocoa Puffs. I'm 21. I'm into new experiences. I'm into falling in love. I'm into doting on people. I'm into reciprocity. I'm not into wasting my time. I'm not into going back to the past. I'm not into giving second chances anymore. I'm not really into having second chances either. That is at the discretion of anyone I've fucked up with. Instantly forgive, never forget is my motto now. It's tough to forgive sometimes, though. I've learned that, in my short life. The world is too big for me to hold on to broken pieces right now. My dreams, my goals, and the ones who are the best fit to be a part of my journey are the things that I will carry on my walk. Speaking of, I think I've found space for some people in my boat. I wrote a poem about how I feel about this person. *smiles* I hope they don't mind if I share this, but lol, I feel like a 14 year old again.

"14"

a jumbled mess
syntax is taxing,
order, meter
off; if it are were what
i not understand could,
the words i have to
explain how...

Stressing what should be
unstressed, rhythm of
iamb off.
A murmur of sorts,
a lub-DUP turns into a lub-
of unflinching anxiety,
the good kind of course.

Butterflies of adrenaline
buzz like beestings of budding feelings.
A tweak in peaking, as acid refluxes
from my bottomless pit.
Familiar it feels. Scary,
or maybe it's my kidneys and
pituitary acting 14 again.

Diamonds

A mined diamond
carbon; eons to create,
hours to destroy.

a raw diamond is
a Jeweler's dream, for it
has never been cut.

Some can't handle the
RESPONSIBILITY of
caring and molding.

these "Jewelers", and
i use the term loosely, will
crack gems; deemed useless.

all hope seems lost for
this mined diamond, because the
cracks run in to core.

however, this gem
has not been completely cut,
molded, or shaped yet.

a skilled Jeweler
will fill this shattered diamond
with what she may need.

a Healer, a Love
to restore her to greatness
and destined brilliance.

Forgotten

No more calls.
Passerby hellos
gone goodbye
No more shoutouts,
thoughts of you: gone.
Pop-up videos
of a shattered memory,
unclear now
and better off
in the distance.
I'm nearsighted,
you're not
in primary focus,
your place is
just past the horizon
where you belong.
Sounds of you fade to black
you went under with
Compton's Most Wanted,
braincells dead
(or at least the ones
you occupied),
myelin unsheathed,
memories unraveled.
Only piece
I possess
is the one that
tells me
I used to know you.
And I'm ok with that.
All that work in forgiving
forgot you,
And I'm ok with that.
No longer do I sting,
all the aloe vera, honey and
quinine eradicated
the love poison
you forced down my throat.
Don't worry, I'm not upset,
I just....... don't.....
remember you. That's all.
What's your name again? *smiles*