the taste of elements.
i shudder at the tingle of
crimson, iron-laden
lifewater that seeps
slowly out the strong
impressions my teeth made;
pressure cracks
of forced reluctance,
keeping Broca* from
forming the words
my mind urges me to say.
I punish the facilitator of my language
because it needs not always to
follow my brain's will.
I punish my mind because of the pain
these words may cause, the stinging of
those words relayed to the
origin by biting my tongue,
therefore, internalizing the verbal pain
that sometimes i WISH i can
inflict on their targets.
so, i have to feel the sharp stabbing,
forever display the marks of a potential sin lost
in transmission,
and
create a lie in order to not slay you
with my tongue.
even one LITTLE word...
and you wouldn't survive this Gatling attack.
Sin still wins, yet
you advance on.
i care WAY too much.
*Broca's area, which is a specific area of the brain that aids in speech production.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
14 and... 41. lol.
Yeah, so... the last couple months have been rough on a sister. Grandmother battling breast cancer (AND WINNING, thank GOD), my dog having to be euthanized, preparing myself for the rest of my life, trying to stand on my own two feet financially so in the future I can walk alone, NO crutches, no wheelchairs, no aids to get me to my destination of stability, financial happiness, and contentment. Oh, and the rearranging of social things in my life.
With that being said, Grandma is good. She's not excited about the treatment making her hair fall out now, but, at least the lymph nodes and the area that had swelled has gone down DRAMATICALLY. I'm very proud of her. She's even abiding by us?!?! Drinking more water, less diet sodas (they have aspartame in them), taking vitamins, getting a bit of exercise, and eating healthier choices to fuel her body. I'm VERY happy. As far as the hair falling out, I guess we both gonna be rocking cesars for the next few months :).
Now on to the next topic. My dog of 11 years, Sable, a lab-chow mix of a several races, so much like the modern human, fell ill about a week or so ago. His hair was lightening and falling out, he couldn't chew, and he barely ate. He wagged his tail when he saw one of us, but other than that, he was NOT the dog I knew him to be. I knew something was wrong, and so did my Mom. Upon further investigation and deliberation, we came to the conclusion that he is either getting weaker from old age, or, he is in the beginning stages of rabies, but that doesn't seem right because he has been vaccinated. Either way, he was suffering, so, we decided that he be taken away. The same dog who was always active, even in his older years, just all of a sudden became this sluggish dog. I think we made the right choice. Something WASN'T right at all. It saddens me, and the thought of going to feed him still pops in my head from time to time, I gotta keep reminding myself, he's not out there anymore. *sigh*
Searching for a good graduate school has been easier than I thought. I found the perfect school to attend. It's close and still a bit of distance from home, the residential area is affordable, and it is accredited for the MSW (Master of Social Work) degree. I am certain about successfully obtaining this degree, and I am MORE than happy about eventually using this degree. I'm also happy about my new second language, American Sign Language *big smile*. Either way, this year is gonna be the defining year. If I do everything right this year, I have nothing to worry about. I just have to stick to my guns, and if I have anything to rely on, it's sticking to my guns. lol. I like guns.
Last but definitely not the least important is, the happenings in my social life. Eh, social life when I'm at home is BARELY visible. Especially being without a job this summer. I make friends easily, it's just I have none to MAKE this summer lol. I don't volunteer anymore, and even WHERE I volunteered it was elderly, and younger teens. Great acquaintances and life lessons, but, not friends to hang out with. So, other than handing out loaves and fishes, #missionfail. lol. School, for me, is wonderful. Not JUST because I'm close to all the friends I'm close to, but because it's much easier to hang out and make new friends, because people are always in close proximity. When I am here in Charlotte, my friends are scattered about. My friends in Charlotte are either: working all the time, MARRIED, got children and a baby parent, in class, or a combo of all four lol. So, when we DO hang out, it is few and far in between, and usually, we spend HOURS together. Usually into the wee hours of the morning. Good, yes? Umm... not when you have a curfew like I do... AT HOME. 2am. Found out last weekend, when I came home at 4am. Yeah. It's time for me to leave this nest. I'm almost 22, with a damn CURFEW? How about THIS is my curfew: coming in as quiet as possible so i won't disrupt my Old Man and Old Lady. That's a curfew that I can live with. It's not even a safety issue. I always got a taser on deck. LMAO. But yeah, my social life includes my love life. I suck at flowing transitions, get over it. It's not an essay.
I have hit a kinda dry spell lately. I've been going to and fro, I found someone I liked.... turned my knob til it was stuck on stupid... and lost all my usual ways and became this animal that took my beautiful, lovely heart out of its black box and just threw it. LOL throwing objects at people is never really well received. Oh well. Just time to move on to the next, as I typically do in these situations with ease. I have learned not to throw my heart at people. LOL, cause it hurts. Call me flighty, call me an existential coo-coo bird that doesn't go nuts for Cocoa Puffs. I'm 21. I'm into new experiences. I'm into falling in love. I'm into doting on people. I'm into reciprocity. I'm not into wasting my time. I'm not into going back to the past. I'm not into giving second chances anymore. I'm not really into having second chances either. That is at the discretion of anyone I've fucked up with. Instantly forgive, never forget is my motto now. It's tough to forgive sometimes, though. I've learned that, in my short life. The world is too big for me to hold on to broken pieces right now. My dreams, my goals, and the ones who are the best fit to be a part of my journey are the things that I will carry on my walk. Speaking of, I think I've found space for some people in my boat. I wrote a poem about how I feel about this person. *smiles* I hope they don't mind if I share this, but lol, I feel like a 14 year old again.
"14"
a jumbled mess
syntax is taxing,
order, meter
off; if it are were what
i not understand could,
the words i have to
explain how...
Stressing what should be
unstressed, rhythm of
iamb off.
A murmur of sorts,
a lub-DUP turns into a lub-
of unflinching anxiety,
the good kind of course.
Butterflies of adrenaline
buzz like beestings of budding feelings.
A tweak in peaking, as acid refluxes
from my bottomless pit.
Familiar it feels. Scary,
or maybe it's my kidneys and
pituitary acting 14 again.
With that being said, Grandma is good. She's not excited about the treatment making her hair fall out now, but, at least the lymph nodes and the area that had swelled has gone down DRAMATICALLY. I'm very proud of her. She's even abiding by us?!?! Drinking more water, less diet sodas (they have aspartame in them), taking vitamins, getting a bit of exercise, and eating healthier choices to fuel her body. I'm VERY happy. As far as the hair falling out, I guess we both gonna be rocking cesars for the next few months :).
Now on to the next topic. My dog of 11 years, Sable, a lab-chow mix of a several races, so much like the modern human, fell ill about a week or so ago. His hair was lightening and falling out, he couldn't chew, and he barely ate. He wagged his tail when he saw one of us, but other than that, he was NOT the dog I knew him to be. I knew something was wrong, and so did my Mom. Upon further investigation and deliberation, we came to the conclusion that he is either getting weaker from old age, or, he is in the beginning stages of rabies, but that doesn't seem right because he has been vaccinated. Either way, he was suffering, so, we decided that he be taken away. The same dog who was always active, even in his older years, just all of a sudden became this sluggish dog. I think we made the right choice. Something WASN'T right at all. It saddens me, and the thought of going to feed him still pops in my head from time to time, I gotta keep reminding myself, he's not out there anymore. *sigh*
Searching for a good graduate school has been easier than I thought. I found the perfect school to attend. It's close and still a bit of distance from home, the residential area is affordable, and it is accredited for the MSW (Master of Social Work) degree. I am certain about successfully obtaining this degree, and I am MORE than happy about eventually using this degree. I'm also happy about my new second language, American Sign Language *big smile*. Either way, this year is gonna be the defining year. If I do everything right this year, I have nothing to worry about. I just have to stick to my guns, and if I have anything to rely on, it's sticking to my guns. lol. I like guns.
Last but definitely not the least important is, the happenings in my social life. Eh, social life when I'm at home is BARELY visible. Especially being without a job this summer. I make friends easily, it's just I have none to MAKE this summer lol. I don't volunteer anymore, and even WHERE I volunteered it was elderly, and younger teens. Great acquaintances and life lessons, but, not friends to hang out with. So, other than handing out loaves and fishes, #missionfail. lol. School, for me, is wonderful. Not JUST because I'm close to all the friends I'm close to, but because it's much easier to hang out and make new friends, because people are always in close proximity. When I am here in Charlotte, my friends are scattered about. My friends in Charlotte are either: working all the time, MARRIED, got children and a baby parent, in class, or a combo of all four lol. So, when we DO hang out, it is few and far in between, and usually, we spend HOURS together. Usually into the wee hours of the morning. Good, yes? Umm... not when you have a curfew like I do... AT HOME. 2am. Found out last weekend, when I came home at 4am. Yeah. It's time for me to leave this nest. I'm almost 22, with a damn CURFEW? How about THIS is my curfew: coming in as quiet as possible so i won't disrupt my Old Man and Old Lady. That's a curfew that I can live with. It's not even a safety issue. I always got a taser on deck. LMAO. But yeah, my social life includes my love life. I suck at flowing transitions, get over it. It's not an essay.
I have hit a kinda dry spell lately. I've been going to and fro, I found someone I liked.... turned my knob til it was stuck on stupid... and lost all my usual ways and became this animal that took my beautiful, lovely heart out of its black box and just threw it. LOL throwing objects at people is never really well received. Oh well. Just time to move on to the next, as I typically do in these situations with ease. I have learned not to throw my heart at people. LOL, cause it hurts. Call me flighty, call me an existential coo-coo bird that doesn't go nuts for Cocoa Puffs. I'm 21. I'm into new experiences. I'm into falling in love. I'm into doting on people. I'm into reciprocity. I'm not into wasting my time. I'm not into going back to the past. I'm not into giving second chances anymore. I'm not really into having second chances either. That is at the discretion of anyone I've fucked up with. Instantly forgive, never forget is my motto now. It's tough to forgive sometimes, though. I've learned that, in my short life. The world is too big for me to hold on to broken pieces right now. My dreams, my goals, and the ones who are the best fit to be a part of my journey are the things that I will carry on my walk. Speaking of, I think I've found space for some people in my boat. I wrote a poem about how I feel about this person. *smiles* I hope they don't mind if I share this, but lol, I feel like a 14 year old again.
"14"
a jumbled mess
syntax is taxing,
order, meter
off; if it are were what
i not understand could,
the words i have to
explain how...
Stressing what should be
unstressed, rhythm of
iamb off.
A murmur of sorts,
a lub-DUP turns into a lub-
of unflinching anxiety,
the good kind of course.
Butterflies of adrenaline
buzz like beestings of budding feelings.
A tweak in peaking, as acid refluxes
from my bottomless pit.
Familiar it feels. Scary,
or maybe it's my kidneys and
pituitary acting 14 again.
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